unsaid

today i was beginning to get pissed...i wanted this day to start right...i wanted us to be okay...and so i convinced myself not to be a bratt and be the bigger person by initiating the conversation... today was the shoot for your team. i wanted it to be a chance for us to talk casually..but then again the day didnt start right..when i was looking for randy inside the stockroom, i felt that you didnt want me to be there...i didnt even feel the warmth in your voice..it's as if you didnt want me to be there...it was a disappointment..cuz i wanted to make our friendship work...i still wanted us to be friends but you were making it too hard for me..you even passed beside me without even saying a mere hello...it wouldnt hurt to say hi right, but then again you didnt...that ticked me off, because i do not understand why you had to do that...we werent like that before..we used to enjoy each other's company a lot...like what i mentioned in my previous blog, a lot of things have changed...and you are making it hard for me to adjust to these changes...

good thing that the situation changed as the day went on...we both began to loosen up and tried to establish quick conversations..maybe it was a good thing that i was the stylist during that time and i had the chance to interact with you more...you asked for my help in fixing your tie....though you didnt ask me directly, i was very much willing to help.. you were a bit awkward which i didnt completely understand.. i wanted to talk to you...i had so much to say, so much to talk to you about a lot of things..some worth discussing about,some are nonsense but i still wanted to share with you anyways...but you were acting strange..which i didnt completely understand..but yes i was willing to let go...i noticed that you were uneasy while we were taking your pictures..its as if you didnt want me to be there.. i helped fix your suit..your hair and even your tie...i guess it helped because you began to loosen up...later on you were asking for my opinion on which looked fit you..if i did like that angle for you...somehow you asking that made me feel better...you know why? it was because i felt that you valued my opinion..its as if my thoughts mattered to you...and i thank you for that..because for a moment in time, i felt that i was valuable to you..even for just that moment... after you shoot, we became more relax. we took pictures together, we started to joke around and somehow we were starting to enjoy each other's company again...you took some of my pics, you allowed me to play with your lashes, and you even kidded around with me...but then again there was one incident that bothered me a lot.. i was telling you that i will be giving you a copy of the Train album and i saw you look at the surroundings while you were talking to me...it was as if you were trying to look for their reactions to our conversations..it bothered me a lot because i felt that you were bothered with what the other people might think... we were not doing anything bad...we werent discussing something that might even offend or bother someone...the look in your face was stuck in my head...i wanted to ask you why you were reacting that way but i never had the guts to ask that...i just let it be...

this would be the things that would remain unsaid, for i would never have the courage to ask you these things..this blog will serve as my journal...my way of letting my emotions out...because for now that is all that i can do...

are we fighting?

don't know how it started but now we are not talking to each other...what started out as a petty tampuhan has now grown into a full blown fight...we used to greet each other and say hello...but now we can even look at each other eye to eye....im not sure if it was my fault...did i become too demanding...did i expect too much...im sorry for having to look at you that way...i didnt mean to...i just miss you...i miss talking to you...i miss laughing with you..i just miss spending time with you...

should i make the first move...should i say sorry...i dont know what to think anymore...it seems that everything has changed...you changed...is there someone new? it makes me sad that things have to change....i have gotten used to us being together...but these are the things that are beyond my control...and i guess i only have to accept the fact that we had our good times and that was it...i just wish it could have lasted forever...

not my usual self....

likewhat i said in my previous entry, a lot of things have changed lately...some of these changes i welcome with open arms..some of which i dont....i know at the back of my mind that i cant control the things that are happening but i guess what i can do is to embrace this changes and try to learn something from it... i can honestly say that i am not an expert in doing this, but i know that i am learning.. it's hard but i know that the things that are happening will somehow help me to become one tough cookie in facing the trials of life...

admiring and liking someone does not only bring you happiness but also disappointments...you would notice it but soon you would be doing things that you wouldnt normally do..and feel emotions that you dont usually feel.. the reason why i sad that is because i did feel the same way a few days back...i never thought that i would get that emotional with someone considering that we are just friends..i know that i am not in the position to feel that way but i had to be honest with myself... certain situations have led me to become disappointed with his actions..i hate this feeling, i really do...but unfortunately this is an emotion that i can not control...

i wish things will go back to the way they used to be...with no complications no difficulty...i just wish....

mixed signals

we have been friends for a long time...never did it cross my mind that it will come to this... i didnt have a clue that i would have this kind of feeling for you.. it all came as a surprise.. before we used to be just officemates...we used to just see each other during training and other company related activities...our conversations were nothing more than jokes or work related matters...but things started to change when a good friend of mine left... you saw me crying and you asked if i was okay.. it never occured to me that it would change our friendship...

we started out by having coffee during breaks...then came in invites for dinners... or cakes....i never thought that our small conversations will bring much interest to me over the next few months... i enjoyed our simple conversations..somehow you made me feel that you were really interested in what i had to say.. somehow i enjoy spending time with you.. you never failed to make me laugh with your jokes and your stories... i like being with you... the never ending conversations about everything, the meaningless IMs we have that makes me laugh out loud...little did i know that these would all make me fall for you...

bit by bit, i knew that things were beginning to change.. somehow i wanted to spend more time with you... somehow i wanted to talk with you even more....these past few months have been a roller coaster...high points and low points.....everything was a surprise...it's like every day or every week i didnt know what to expect from you...

now im confused...im not sure if i should put meaning to everything that is happening or i should take it all in stride...my head says no but my heart says go...sounds cheesy i know... but im scared...im scared to know that this is all just fun for you and that you will go away... and just like that things will change...

i hope that this time its different...because i like being with you....

saying goodbye to a friend...

these past three months have been a roller coster ride.. i lost a friend at the office.. a friend that always made my day no matter what... it all came as a surprise as i just arrived from my trip to Cebu.. little did i know that as soon as i came back from my trip that i would be losing a good friend of mine... it may look like its nothing important but being with this friend means a lot to me... he always made it a point to make me laugh everytime he feels that I am down...as soon as i learned that he is leaving, tears just ran down my face.. it all came as a shock... i knew that things will never be the same as they were before...my separation anxiety returned...i kept on asking why this had to happen...i could never understand why he had to leave...

thoughts came into mind...i knew things will change after he leaves... things will never be the same again....even before i had a hard time accepting these kind of changes...but i know that this is beyond my control...for one whole day i couldnt do anything... i couldnt focus on what i was doing...i know there is a reason why this had to happen but i still dont understand what it is..

and my walls came crashing down

and you made my walls come crashing down..im scared..i dont know if it's good or if it's bad.. you have this effect on me where all my defenses just go out of the window..you always say the right things and everything that you do seems to make things okay...i dont know what to do.. im confused.....

distance

what if i keep distance? will i be missed? will my worth be realized? ..will my absence be noticed?.. will it turn out good?.... or, along with with my disappearance and silence will be the end of everything?....

its hard to accept that sometimes your act of wanting some space leads to a total end..

but its even harder when all you want is to feel significant and worth it but then lead to a closed books in one's life..

sino ang pipiliin mo?

isang tanong... sino ang pipiliin mo, ang taong may halaga sayo o ang taong nagbibigay ng halaga sayo?

simpleng tanong ngunit mahirap pumili? kung pagpapahalaga ang syang magiging basehan ng iyong desisyon sino sa dalawa ang iyong mas pipiliin? isa ito sa mga tanong sa aking isipan nitong mga nakaraang linggo..ngayon ko lang napagtanto na masakit pala malaman na ang taong pinahalagahan mo at noon ay pinahalagahan ka ay nagbago, lumayo at lumimot.. samantalang ang taong ni minsan ay di bumitaw at patuloy na nagpapahalaga ay syang hindi mo inaasahan..

ngayon, bilang panghuling katanungan..sino sa kanila ang mas matimbang?

time...

i guess time would really prove who stayed and who let go.. the one i thought would be there the longest was the one who first gave up on the friendship.. was it because there was someone new? or was it because i wasn't always there? what made him change his mind? what made him let go? i never thought that what we had was not enough to endure the test of time...

time to let go..time to forget...time to accept the things that we can't control just yet...

lacking sleep and yet im still up

i think the perfect word to describe my state right now is the word BANGAG.. yes, i am officially lacking sleep for almost a day or two..as of the moment i have only had 2 1/2 hours of sleep since this morning but just to make things clear i am not ranting about it although it may sound like it...my mind is not working at all, my eyelids are drooping and i am continuously yawning.. i cant even type properly and yet i am still up and wide awake..i wanted badly to go to sleep but pending tasks are still there that hinders me from doing so... yet im still happy and im still smiling.. maybe because i love what i am doing and i am having fun right now..though im really sleepy that didnt keep me from laughing my heart out upon seeing rome dance to the tune of always and itaktak mo..im quite excited about our trip tomorrow, our team will be on its way to tagaytay highlands...yahoo... i have never been there and i am quite excited to go.. although we are going there for business related reasons, im still very excited to go for the reason that i will get to ride a cable car!!! hahaha.. and babaw ko ba?! bakit ba eh sa hindi pa ako nakakasakay ng cable car eh...kanya kanya lang yan!!!i really dont know what this entry is leading to, i just wanted something to do as i wait for the file to be uploaded... oh well maybe ill make a better entry tom.

friends

new friends, new relationships...going back to the corporate world did bring a lot of perks.. aside from the fact that i get to earn money again i was given the chance to meet new people and build new relationships...i very thankful that i was able to meet a diverse bunch of people who made my daily routine at work fun.. from mina, to tiny, to mike, to nikki, to ice, to crazy rylie and freaky rome, to my favorite interns kat, mark and joanne (the 12 year old intern).. these people have helped me enjoy my first month stint here at Chase. my fears of being left out and not being at ease are all gone..their company has helped get through each day of meeting targets and dealing with applicants..i know that i am home and i belong...looking forward to more enjoyable days with you guys...

somebody is always saying goodbye

i have not always been good in dealing with goodbyes..everytime someone leaves, the feeling is the same..my heart gets broken and i am left alone..i still dont understand why things cant just remain the same as they used to be..someone always has to leave..just when you have reached the point that you are starting to know the person... i still dont understand why we have to invest emotions and friendships when in the end they are going to leave u anyways..i just dont understand it...i know i have been through this several times before, but that doesn't make it easier in dealing with it everytime that it happens.. there are moments that i would think of not investing on friendships anymore because of the fear of having to undergo the same feeling of loneliness again.. thinking about it just brings tears to my eyes...knowing that although the friendship will still remain, things will never be the same.. i just hope i get over the feeling as soon as possible cuz everytime i think about it, it just makes me sad..

oftentimes than not, i have tried to detach myself from the people around me, because of the fear that they would leave me anyways. many times have i tried to protect myself from the pain of having someone leave you but then again, i cant help myself from being close to someone, leaving me helpless and defenseless. a good friend of mine once told me that we should look at it in way that we should be thankful that we were given the chance to know the person instead of focusing on the feeling of being left alone...i dont know, as of now, nothing makes sense... i know she has a point, but as of the moment, i still dont understand why all these has to happen.. i still dont..i just hope that this would all pass, that at the end of the day, i will realize that there is a valid reason for everything that is happening..that at the end of the day, i know that it is worth all the pain and loneliness that i am feeling...

new year, new beginnings

last year was quite a tumultuous one for me.. sunod sunod ang mga problema..i really thought hindi ko na kaya..at one point, i thought that nothing gud happened to me last 2006. i kept reminding myself that everything happens for a reason although at that time i honestly didnt understand why these things are happening to me..but with God's faith i was able to pull through.. i was able to pick myself up and go on with life with the belief that things will get better.. when the year 2006 ended, i told my self that this year is definitely going to be better than the last one.. and to my surprise, its only the first month of the year, and things are beginning to go as planned.. i have a new job which i really like, relationships are being fixed and broken hearts are being mended.. i am completely grateful for all the good things that are happening to me and i am definitely happy as of the moment..i can feel that this is my year, and things are going to be great..

Getting a different kind of bouquet

Last Saturday I was grateful enough to attend the wedding of a friend of mine, Tarin. It was simple yet a very romantic wedding with only close relatives and a few friends invited. I was fortunate enough to have witnessed the wonderful wedding ceremony of Tarin and Gilbert, as I lay witness to the love that they had for each other. As the church doors opened, a flight of butterflies were let loose as Tarin slowly walked down the aisle. The beautiful vision almost brought tears to our eyes for we have never seen Tarin so radiant and glowing. As the wedding took place, members of the Manila Philarmonic Orchestra serenaded the couple with songs that made the ceremony more solemn and romantic. Seeing Tarin and Gilbert get married was truly a sight. Somehow seeing them get married gave me hope that I will someday find the man that God has prepared for me and in the end get united with him in the same ceremony that Tarin and Gilbert were having at that moment. The celebration continued in Crowne Plaza, wherein the relatives and the closest friends enjoyed the food and entertainment as we rejoiced in the union of Tarin and Gilbert. Then the time came for the cake to be sliced and the bouquet to be tossed. To our surprise, the bride prepared a different kind of way of giving away the bouquet. What she did was she picked out 10 single women while the groom chose 10 single men. At first I wasn’t one of the 10 who were picked by Tarin because I was intentionally trying to keep away from Tarin’s sight to avoid being called. I keep on cheering Winsome and Pau to get in the middle of the reception area, when suddenly Tarin called my name asked me to be the 10th lady to join the group. All of my friends laughed out loud as I stood up and joined the group, sabi ko pa nga before I left our table..”grabe talaga ang bilis ng karma!” each of us 10 ladies were then given a yellow rose with a little bag tied to it while the guys on the other hand were given a big yellow balloon. The host then asked the ladies to open the bags attached to their rose and look what they have inside, at first I didn’t have an idea as to how the activity is going to work, but still I continued and took a peek at what’s inside my bag.. there I saw a small lock which I didn’t realized at that time what its purpose is…the guys were then asked to pop the balloons that they were holding and look for the key that’s inside.. it was then that I realized what is going to happen.. they lock represented the bouquet and one of the keys represented the wedding garter! Huwaaaaahhhhh!!!!! This cant be happening! Ayoko!!!!!!! I can see my friends from my table laughing out loud as they realize what was going to happen… I was cringing.. the host then asked me to sit in a chair and then placed a blindfold to cover my eyes.. each of the 10 guys then had their turns in trying to open the lock that I had with the key that they got.. some of the guys were quite funny trying their luck in opening the lock while some were quite serious in doing so.. until one guy was able to open it. I tried removing my blindfold but the host told me not to do so first, till she introduces who the guy is…coincidentally, the guy who’s name is Rico (if I remember it right) is also Tarin’s officemate right now in Deustche Bank while I have worked previously with Tarin in IBS. In fairness Rico is good looking and seems to be really nice. As the groom was removing the wedding garter from Tarin, the host started to introduced us to each other. I know where this is going to lead and I am thankful that I was wearing slacks that day. That gave me an excuse not to have the garter be placed in my legs by Rico. It just seems embarrassing to have my slacks to be pulled up in front of many people. Hehehe.. I gave the host a piercing stare just to let her know what I am thinking. Thank God she got the message. So instead of having the garter placed down there, it was placed in my right arm. Rico and I were both ready to go back to our seats when the host asked us to share a dance with the bride and groom! Oh my! If there was one talent that I know I didn’t have, that would be the ability to dance.. and now I’m being put in a situation wherein I have to dance in front of other people!!! Nooo!!!!! At the same time, I think Rico was also shocked since he said that he also doesn’t know how to dance! Hahahaha.. that makes it the two of us then making a fool of ourselves…there in the middle of the dance floor we humiliatingly tried dance to the tune of a wedding song which at that time we thought was quite long…to kill time while dancing we had a conversation about how we were both related to Tarin and how Tarin has helped us in one way or another. Without us even noticing it, the song has ended and we both made our way to our seats. That was one hell of an experience cuz it was fun and I don’t get to experience it that much. I am glad that I became a part of Tarin’s wedding and I had so much fun celebrating it with the people that I have enjoyed working with for the past 1 ½ years. To Winsome, Beth, Cris, Pau, Sig, Tope and Jeff, thanks to for the company! Its such a bittersweet feeling that I had that day because I was happy to be in the company of the people I had fun working with and at the same time I was also sad because I know what I am missing everyday. But then again, I am thankful for the chance and the short time that I was given to spend with you.

YAKYAK: paano

Paano mo maiipapaliwanag ang isang bagay na ikaw mismo ay hindi maintindihan. Paano mo masasabi ang naramramdaman, na ikaw mismo ay hindi mo maiparamdam. Paano? Yan ang mga tanong sa isip ko ngayon. Ilang araw na rin ako na nagiisip. Pilit na iniintindi kung ano ba itong nararamdaman ko. Kung tama ba o dapat alisin na. ngunit kahit gaano ko pilitin na intindihin ay hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko alam ang mga kasagutan sa aking mga katanungan. Marahil ikaw lamang ang makakapagbigay linaw sa mga bagay na gumugulo sa aking isipan. Ngunit sa paanong paraan ko ito malalaman kung ikaw mismo ay hindi alam ang aking nararamdaman? Hindi ko alam kung ako lamang ang nagiisip ng ganito, o ikaw rin kaya? Hindi ko alam kung ikaw ay hindi mapakali tulad ng nararamdaman ko. Ewan ko. Hindi ko alam. Alam ko na walang patutunguhan itong nararamdaman ko, pero datapwat kahit papaano ay masaya na rin ako. Masaya na at kuntento sa konsepto na ako ay espesyal rin sa iyo. Tama nga ba ang pagkakaintindi ko sa mga pinapakita mo, o mali lamang ang dating ng mga ito sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang iisipin, basta ang alam ko ay napapangiti mo ako. Ako ay napapasaya mo. Sa bawat araw na ako ay nakasama mo hindi ka nagsawa na ipakita at iparamdaman sa akin na may halaga ako sa iyo. Hindi ko alam kung alam mo kung gaano ka espesyal sa akin pero sana ay nararamdaman mo rin ito sa mga aksyon na ipinapakita ko sa iyo. Sana alam mo. Gusto ko na buong puso maniwala sa mga sinasabi mo na ako ay hinahanap hanap mo, na iba na ang lahat sa pagkawala ko, ngunit sa kabilang banda ay may pagdududa kung ito ba ay totoo. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kailangan magkaroon ng pagdududa sa mga sinabi mo. Hindi mo kasalanan ito, sa akin ang problema. Alam ko na hindi ikaw ang tipo ng tao na hindi kayang magsabi ng kasinungalingan. Napapaisip ako kung dapat ko ba maramdaman ang saya sa mga narinig ko. Dapat ko ba tanggapin ang mga salitang paulit ulit na binibitawan mo? Dahil naiisip ko na sa bawat pagkakataon na ito ay naiisip ko, mas tumitindi lang lalo ang nararamdaman ko. Hind ko alam. Sabi ko sa iyo hindi ko na alam kung ano pa ang mararamdaman ko. Ewan ko. Marahil sasabihin mo kung bakit pa ako nagiisip ng ganito, bakit ko pa pinahihirapan ang sarili ko na maramdaman ang ganito. Alam ko kung bakit, dahil kagustuhan ko. Kahit na alam ko na sa kinalaunan pagkatapos ng tuwa ay sobrang lungkot din ang mararamdaman ko. Dahil alam ko na hanggang dito lang ito. Walang ng hihigit pa. masakit man alam ko na ito ang totoo, ito ang dapat. Ako man ay espesyal sa iyong paningin, meron ng nagmamay ari ng iyong puso na kailan man ay hindi ko makukuha. Magdudulot sya ng ligaya sa iyo na kailan man ay hindi ko maiibibigay. Masaya ako para sa iyo dahil nahanap mo na sya at nahanap ka na rin nya. Gusto kita lumigaya. Siguro nga ay hindi na natin masasabi ito sa isat isa. Sapat na sa aking pagsulat ay parang nakausap na rin kita. Patuloy kitang hahangaan, sa aking sariling pamamaraan. Sa kasalukuyan, sapat na sa akin ang ating espesyal na pagkakaibigan.