unsaid

today i was beginning to get pissed...i wanted this day to start right...i wanted us to be okay...and so i convinced myself not to be a bratt and be the bigger person by initiating the conversation... today was the shoot for your team. i wanted it to be a chance for us to talk casually..but then again the day didnt start right..when i was looking for randy inside the stockroom, i felt that you didnt want me to be there...i didnt even feel the warmth in your voice..it's as if you didnt want me to be there...it was a disappointment..cuz i wanted to make our friendship work...i still wanted us to be friends but you were making it too hard for me..you even passed beside me without even saying a mere hello...it wouldnt hurt to say hi right, but then again you didnt...that ticked me off, because i do not understand why you had to do that...we werent like that before..we used to enjoy each other's company a lot...like what i mentioned in my previous blog, a lot of things have changed...and you are making it hard for me to adjust to these changes...

good thing that the situation changed as the day went on...we both began to loosen up and tried to establish quick conversations..maybe it was a good thing that i was the stylist during that time and i had the chance to interact with you more...you asked for my help in fixing your tie....though you didnt ask me directly, i was very much willing to help.. you were a bit awkward which i didnt completely understand.. i wanted to talk to you...i had so much to say, so much to talk to you about a lot of things..some worth discussing about,some are nonsense but i still wanted to share with you anyways...but you were acting strange..which i didnt completely understand..but yes i was willing to let go...i noticed that you were uneasy while we were taking your pictures..its as if you didnt want me to be there.. i helped fix your suit..your hair and even your tie...i guess it helped because you began to loosen up...later on you were asking for my opinion on which looked fit you..if i did like that angle for you...somehow you asking that made me feel better...you know why? it was because i felt that you valued my opinion..its as if my thoughts mattered to you...and i thank you for that..because for a moment in time, i felt that i was valuable to you..even for just that moment... after you shoot, we became more relax. we took pictures together, we started to joke around and somehow we were starting to enjoy each other's company again...you took some of my pics, you allowed me to play with your lashes, and you even kidded around with me...but then again there was one incident that bothered me a lot.. i was telling you that i will be giving you a copy of the Train album and i saw you look at the surroundings while you were talking to me...it was as if you were trying to look for their reactions to our conversations..it bothered me a lot because i felt that you were bothered with what the other people might think... we were not doing anything bad...we werent discussing something that might even offend or bother someone...the look in your face was stuck in my head...i wanted to ask you why you were reacting that way but i never had the guts to ask that...i just let it be...

this would be the things that would remain unsaid, for i would never have the courage to ask you these things..this blog will serve as my journal...my way of letting my emotions out...because for now that is all that i can do...