and my walls came crashing down

and you made my walls come crashing down..im scared..i dont know if it's good or if it's bad.. you have this effect on me where all my defenses just go out of the window..you always say the right things and everything that you do seems to make things okay...i dont know what to do.. im confused.....

distance

what if i keep distance? will i be missed? will my worth be realized? ..will my absence be noticed?.. will it turn out good?.... or, along with with my disappearance and silence will be the end of everything?....

its hard to accept that sometimes your act of wanting some space leads to a total end..

but its even harder when all you want is to feel significant and worth it but then lead to a closed books in one's life..

sino ang pipiliin mo?

isang tanong... sino ang pipiliin mo, ang taong may halaga sayo o ang taong nagbibigay ng halaga sayo?

simpleng tanong ngunit mahirap pumili? kung pagpapahalaga ang syang magiging basehan ng iyong desisyon sino sa dalawa ang iyong mas pipiliin? isa ito sa mga tanong sa aking isipan nitong mga nakaraang linggo..ngayon ko lang napagtanto na masakit pala malaman na ang taong pinahalagahan mo at noon ay pinahalagahan ka ay nagbago, lumayo at lumimot.. samantalang ang taong ni minsan ay di bumitaw at patuloy na nagpapahalaga ay syang hindi mo inaasahan..

ngayon, bilang panghuling katanungan..sino sa kanila ang mas matimbang?

time...

i guess time would really prove who stayed and who let go.. the one i thought would be there the longest was the one who first gave up on the friendship.. was it because there was someone new? or was it because i wasn't always there? what made him change his mind? what made him let go? i never thought that what we had was not enough to endure the test of time...

time to let go..time to forget...time to accept the things that we can't control just yet...

lacking sleep and yet im still up

i think the perfect word to describe my state right now is the word BANGAG.. yes, i am officially lacking sleep for almost a day or two..as of the moment i have only had 2 1/2 hours of sleep since this morning but just to make things clear i am not ranting about it although it may sound like it...my mind is not working at all, my eyelids are drooping and i am continuously yawning.. i cant even type properly and yet i am still up and wide awake..i wanted badly to go to sleep but pending tasks are still there that hinders me from doing so... yet im still happy and im still smiling.. maybe because i love what i am doing and i am having fun right now..though im really sleepy that didnt keep me from laughing my heart out upon seeing rome dance to the tune of always and itaktak mo..im quite excited about our trip tomorrow, our team will be on its way to tagaytay highlands...yahoo... i have never been there and i am quite excited to go.. although we are going there for business related reasons, im still very excited to go for the reason that i will get to ride a cable car!!! hahaha.. and babaw ko ba?! bakit ba eh sa hindi pa ako nakakasakay ng cable car eh...kanya kanya lang yan!!!i really dont know what this entry is leading to, i just wanted something to do as i wait for the file to be uploaded... oh well maybe ill make a better entry tom.

friends

new friends, new relationships...going back to the corporate world did bring a lot of perks.. aside from the fact that i get to earn money again i was given the chance to meet new people and build new relationships...i very thankful that i was able to meet a diverse bunch of people who made my daily routine at work fun.. from mina, to tiny, to mike, to nikki, to ice, to crazy rylie and freaky rome, to my favorite interns kat, mark and joanne (the 12 year old intern).. these people have helped me enjoy my first month stint here at Chase. my fears of being left out and not being at ease are all gone..their company has helped get through each day of meeting targets and dealing with applicants..i know that i am home and i belong...looking forward to more enjoyable days with you guys...

somebody is always saying goodbye

i have not always been good in dealing with goodbyes..everytime someone leaves, the feeling is the same..my heart gets broken and i am left alone..i still dont understand why things cant just remain the same as they used to be..someone always has to leave..just when you have reached the point that you are starting to know the person... i still dont understand why we have to invest emotions and friendships when in the end they are going to leave u anyways..i just dont understand it...i know i have been through this several times before, but that doesn't make it easier in dealing with it everytime that it happens.. there are moments that i would think of not investing on friendships anymore because of the fear of having to undergo the same feeling of loneliness again.. thinking about it just brings tears to my eyes...knowing that although the friendship will still remain, things will never be the same.. i just hope i get over the feeling as soon as possible cuz everytime i think about it, it just makes me sad..

oftentimes than not, i have tried to detach myself from the people around me, because of the fear that they would leave me anyways. many times have i tried to protect myself from the pain of having someone leave you but then again, i cant help myself from being close to someone, leaving me helpless and defenseless. a good friend of mine once told me that we should look at it in way that we should be thankful that we were given the chance to know the person instead of focusing on the feeling of being left alone...i dont know, as of now, nothing makes sense... i know she has a point, but as of the moment, i still dont understand why all these has to happen.. i still dont..i just hope that this would all pass, that at the end of the day, i will realize that there is a valid reason for everything that is happening..that at the end of the day, i know that it is worth all the pain and loneliness that i am feeling...

new year, new beginnings

last year was quite a tumultuous one for me.. sunod sunod ang mga problema..i really thought hindi ko na kaya..at one point, i thought that nothing gud happened to me last 2006. i kept reminding myself that everything happens for a reason although at that time i honestly didnt understand why these things are happening to me..but with God's faith i was able to pull through.. i was able to pick myself up and go on with life with the belief that things will get better.. when the year 2006 ended, i told my self that this year is definitely going to be better than the last one.. and to my surprise, its only the first month of the year, and things are beginning to go as planned.. i have a new job which i really like, relationships are being fixed and broken hearts are being mended.. i am completely grateful for all the good things that are happening to me and i am definitely happy as of the moment..i can feel that this is my year, and things are going to be great..

Getting a different kind of bouquet

Last Saturday I was grateful enough to attend the wedding of a friend of mine, Tarin. It was simple yet a very romantic wedding with only close relatives and a few friends invited. I was fortunate enough to have witnessed the wonderful wedding ceremony of Tarin and Gilbert, as I lay witness to the love that they had for each other. As the church doors opened, a flight of butterflies were let loose as Tarin slowly walked down the aisle. The beautiful vision almost brought tears to our eyes for we have never seen Tarin so radiant and glowing. As the wedding took place, members of the Manila Philarmonic Orchestra serenaded the couple with songs that made the ceremony more solemn and romantic. Seeing Tarin and Gilbert get married was truly a sight. Somehow seeing them get married gave me hope that I will someday find the man that God has prepared for me and in the end get united with him in the same ceremony that Tarin and Gilbert were having at that moment. The celebration continued in Crowne Plaza, wherein the relatives and the closest friends enjoyed the food and entertainment as we rejoiced in the union of Tarin and Gilbert. Then the time came for the cake to be sliced and the bouquet to be tossed. To our surprise, the bride prepared a different kind of way of giving away the bouquet. What she did was she picked out 10 single women while the groom chose 10 single men. At first I wasn’t one of the 10 who were picked by Tarin because I was intentionally trying to keep away from Tarin’s sight to avoid being called. I keep on cheering Winsome and Pau to get in the middle of the reception area, when suddenly Tarin called my name asked me to be the 10th lady to join the group. All of my friends laughed out loud as I stood up and joined the group, sabi ko pa nga before I left our table..”grabe talaga ang bilis ng karma!” each of us 10 ladies were then given a yellow rose with a little bag tied to it while the guys on the other hand were given a big yellow balloon. The host then asked the ladies to open the bags attached to their rose and look what they have inside, at first I didn’t have an idea as to how the activity is going to work, but still I continued and took a peek at what’s inside my bag.. there I saw a small lock which I didn’t realized at that time what its purpose is…the guys were then asked to pop the balloons that they were holding and look for the key that’s inside.. it was then that I realized what is going to happen.. they lock represented the bouquet and one of the keys represented the wedding garter! Huwaaaaahhhhh!!!!! This cant be happening! Ayoko!!!!!!! I can see my friends from my table laughing out loud as they realize what was going to happen… I was cringing.. the host then asked me to sit in a chair and then placed a blindfold to cover my eyes.. each of the 10 guys then had their turns in trying to open the lock that I had with the key that they got.. some of the guys were quite funny trying their luck in opening the lock while some were quite serious in doing so.. until one guy was able to open it. I tried removing my blindfold but the host told me not to do so first, till she introduces who the guy is…coincidentally, the guy who’s name is Rico (if I remember it right) is also Tarin’s officemate right now in Deustche Bank while I have worked previously with Tarin in IBS. In fairness Rico is good looking and seems to be really nice. As the groom was removing the wedding garter from Tarin, the host started to introduced us to each other. I know where this is going to lead and I am thankful that I was wearing slacks that day. That gave me an excuse not to have the garter be placed in my legs by Rico. It just seems embarrassing to have my slacks to be pulled up in front of many people. Hehehe.. I gave the host a piercing stare just to let her know what I am thinking. Thank God she got the message. So instead of having the garter placed down there, it was placed in my right arm. Rico and I were both ready to go back to our seats when the host asked us to share a dance with the bride and groom! Oh my! If there was one talent that I know I didn’t have, that would be the ability to dance.. and now I’m being put in a situation wherein I have to dance in front of other people!!! Nooo!!!!! At the same time, I think Rico was also shocked since he said that he also doesn’t know how to dance! Hahahaha.. that makes it the two of us then making a fool of ourselves…there in the middle of the dance floor we humiliatingly tried dance to the tune of a wedding song which at that time we thought was quite long…to kill time while dancing we had a conversation about how we were both related to Tarin and how Tarin has helped us in one way or another. Without us even noticing it, the song has ended and we both made our way to our seats. That was one hell of an experience cuz it was fun and I don’t get to experience it that much. I am glad that I became a part of Tarin’s wedding and I had so much fun celebrating it with the people that I have enjoyed working with for the past 1 ½ years. To Winsome, Beth, Cris, Pau, Sig, Tope and Jeff, thanks to for the company! Its such a bittersweet feeling that I had that day because I was happy to be in the company of the people I had fun working with and at the same time I was also sad because I know what I am missing everyday. But then again, I am thankful for the chance and the short time that I was given to spend with you.

YAKYAK: paano

Paano mo maiipapaliwanag ang isang bagay na ikaw mismo ay hindi maintindihan. Paano mo masasabi ang naramramdaman, na ikaw mismo ay hindi mo maiparamdam. Paano? Yan ang mga tanong sa isip ko ngayon. Ilang araw na rin ako na nagiisip. Pilit na iniintindi kung ano ba itong nararamdaman ko. Kung tama ba o dapat alisin na. ngunit kahit gaano ko pilitin na intindihin ay hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko alam ang mga kasagutan sa aking mga katanungan. Marahil ikaw lamang ang makakapagbigay linaw sa mga bagay na gumugulo sa aking isipan. Ngunit sa paanong paraan ko ito malalaman kung ikaw mismo ay hindi alam ang aking nararamdaman? Hindi ko alam kung ako lamang ang nagiisip ng ganito, o ikaw rin kaya? Hindi ko alam kung ikaw ay hindi mapakali tulad ng nararamdaman ko. Ewan ko. Hindi ko alam. Alam ko na walang patutunguhan itong nararamdaman ko, pero datapwat kahit papaano ay masaya na rin ako. Masaya na at kuntento sa konsepto na ako ay espesyal rin sa iyo. Tama nga ba ang pagkakaintindi ko sa mga pinapakita mo, o mali lamang ang dating ng mga ito sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang iisipin, basta ang alam ko ay napapangiti mo ako. Ako ay napapasaya mo. Sa bawat araw na ako ay nakasama mo hindi ka nagsawa na ipakita at iparamdaman sa akin na may halaga ako sa iyo. Hindi ko alam kung alam mo kung gaano ka espesyal sa akin pero sana ay nararamdaman mo rin ito sa mga aksyon na ipinapakita ko sa iyo. Sana alam mo. Gusto ko na buong puso maniwala sa mga sinasabi mo na ako ay hinahanap hanap mo, na iba na ang lahat sa pagkawala ko, ngunit sa kabilang banda ay may pagdududa kung ito ba ay totoo. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kailangan magkaroon ng pagdududa sa mga sinabi mo. Hindi mo kasalanan ito, sa akin ang problema. Alam ko na hindi ikaw ang tipo ng tao na hindi kayang magsabi ng kasinungalingan. Napapaisip ako kung dapat ko ba maramdaman ang saya sa mga narinig ko. Dapat ko ba tanggapin ang mga salitang paulit ulit na binibitawan mo? Dahil naiisip ko na sa bawat pagkakataon na ito ay naiisip ko, mas tumitindi lang lalo ang nararamdaman ko. Hind ko alam. Sabi ko sa iyo hindi ko na alam kung ano pa ang mararamdaman ko. Ewan ko. Marahil sasabihin mo kung bakit pa ako nagiisip ng ganito, bakit ko pa pinahihirapan ang sarili ko na maramdaman ang ganito. Alam ko kung bakit, dahil kagustuhan ko. Kahit na alam ko na sa kinalaunan pagkatapos ng tuwa ay sobrang lungkot din ang mararamdaman ko. Dahil alam ko na hanggang dito lang ito. Walang ng hihigit pa. masakit man alam ko na ito ang totoo, ito ang dapat. Ako man ay espesyal sa iyong paningin, meron ng nagmamay ari ng iyong puso na kailan man ay hindi ko makukuha. Magdudulot sya ng ligaya sa iyo na kailan man ay hindi ko maiibibigay. Masaya ako para sa iyo dahil nahanap mo na sya at nahanap ka na rin nya. Gusto kita lumigaya. Siguro nga ay hindi na natin masasabi ito sa isat isa. Sapat na sa aking pagsulat ay parang nakausap na rin kita. Patuloy kitang hahangaan, sa aking sariling pamamaraan. Sa kasalukuyan, sapat na sa akin ang ating espesyal na pagkakaibigan.

sunsets

i have always loved watching the sun set...somehow it gives a certain kind of calm whenever i look at it... i can never get tired of watching the sun set and as it begins to kiss the sea...its the perfect setting to set you in the mood to contemplate and reminisce. for one whole week, all i did was to go the beach with my ipod, cell and a good book at hand as i watch the sun set.. its the perfect setting... the cool breeze that touches your face gives you a certain calmness that cant be described by words...i have found my niche and i have found my own little place where i can be by myself, and that is by the sea..

It was the cooling hour, just when the rounded Red sun sinks down behind the azure hill, Which then seems as if the whole earth is bounded, Circling all nature, hush'd, and dim, and still, With the far mountain-crescent half surrounded On one side, and the deep sea calm and chill Upon the other, and the rosy sky With one star sparkling through it like an eye. - Lord Byron (George Gordon Noel Byron), Don Juan

The sacred lamp of day Now dipt in western clouds his parting day. - William Falconer, The Shipwreck

"My life is 92% perfect"

HOW PERFECT IS YOUR LIFE?

[x] You know someone that cares about you.

[ ] You have a boyfriend/ girlfriend/ fiance/husband/ wife.

[ x] You have your own room.

[x] You own a cell phone.

[x] You get good grades.

[x ] You have an ipod/ mp3 player.

[x] Your parents are still married.

[x] You have more than 2 best friends.

[ ] There is a swimming pool in your backyard.

[x] You live in a house.

T O T A L: 8

[x] You dress how you want to.

[x] You hang out w/ friends more than once a week.

[x] There is a computer/ laptop in your room.

[x] You have never been beaten up.

[x] You never cry more than twice a month.

[x] Youre allowed to listen to music you want to.

[x] Your room is big enough for you.

[x] People don't use you for something you have.

[x] You have been to a concert.

[x] You laugh more than twice a day.

T O T A L: 10

[x] You have over 100 friends on friendster

[x] You have pictures on friendster

[x] You get allowance.

[x] You collect something normal.

[x] People don't make fun of you to be mean.

[x] You look foward to going to school.

[x] You don't wish you were someone else.

[x] You play a sport.

[X ] You do something after school.

[x] You shower daily.

T O T A L: 10

[x ] You own a car.

[x] You usually don't fight with your parents.

[x] You're healthy.

[ ] You've never had a cavity.

[x] You are happy with your appearance.

[ ] You aren't self-consious at all.

[x ] You have never got a failing grade in your life.

[x] You have friends.

[x] You have many inside jokes with friends.

[x] You know your parents care for you and loveyou.

T O T A L: 8

[x] You know what is going on in the world.

[x] You care about sooo many people.

[x] You are happy with your life.

[x] You usually aren't sick.

[x] You know more than one language.

[x] You have a screen name.

[x ] You own a pet.

[x] You know the words to more than 5 songs.

[x ]You don't have any enemies.

[x] You are happy you're living.

T O T A L: 10

Now count up the number and multiply by 2. Thenrepost saying "My life is __% perfect"

just something to think about

our life is the sum of all our experiences.....

lets get in on

one particular song has been stucked in my head for the past two weeks.. its a song from Marvin Gaye called "Let's Get It On". Quite a cute song with nice lyrics and melody. thanks to my very entertaining friends Dennis and Francis who did a floorshow that night ;) , this song made quite an impression...haha... nice memories of our Mimosa nights came to my mind.. imagine having to listen to that song over and over again the whole night while drinking and having a not so intelligent conversation..till now i cant stop laughing everytime i remember the look on everyone's face as the song is being played again.. i guess people liked the song so much that the guys still played over and over again the morning after.. hahaha... i guess that would now become the theme song of our group in the next few months... jude, our team lead even promised to send the mp3 file the next day to have everyone reminded of the fun we had in mimosa...and he did fulfill his promise.. he did send it to all pips! to give you an idea of what the song is all about, take a look on the lyrics below:

LET'S GET IT ON

Marvin Gaye

I've been really tryin, baby
Tryin to hold back these feelings for so long
And if you feel, like I feel baby
Come on, oh come on,


Let's get it on
Lets get it on
Let's get it on
Let's get it on

We're all sensitive people
With so much love to give, understand me sugar
Since we got to be
Lets say, I love you


There's nothin wrong with me

Lovin you -
And givin yourself to me can never be wrong
If the love is true
Don't you know how sweet and wonderful, life can be

I'm askin you baby, to get it on with me
I aint gonna worry, I aint gonna push
So come on, come on, come on, come on baby
Stop beatin round the bush...


Let's get it on
Let's get it on
Let's get it on
Let's get it on

cant sleep

i have been sleeping a bit late this past few days... 2 - 3 am would be the usual time na i would get to sleep.. i dont know kung bumabalik ang insomia ko or what.. well in order to be productive i have tried writing again here in my blog to stimulate my creative juices. after spending almost 4 hours surfing the net im still not sleepy..huwaahh, i have to sleep na... a friend suggested that i tried counting carrots ! i laughed so hard at the thought of me lying on my bed and counting carrots instead of sheep..i dont think its working..i still cant sleep... help!!!!

kapalit

mahirap pala pag may kapalit ka na... ang dati na kayong dalawa ang kadalasang gumagawa ngayon ay iba na..nakakalungkot malaman, pero sa kabilang banda masaya ako para sa iyo, sapagkat nakahanap ka na ng iba, kapalit ko.. alam ko na yun rin ang ninais ko...dahil ayoko magisa ka.. pero mahirap pa lang tanggapin na may pumalit na sa puwang na dati ako ang nagmamay ari.. ngunit nagpapasalamat ako na sa kabila ng aking pag alis ay hindi ka nagbago..ikaw pa rin ang natatanging buddy ko...

leaving

What is more painful, leaving someone behind or being left behind? Before, I thought that being left behind was more painful. Maybe because oftentimes I would always feel the sadness of having to part with the people that I have gotten to know. No matter how many times I have experienced it, it’s always as painful as the first time. I would often question why people have to leave me and why do I have to feel the emptiness left by that person. Somehow you get to realize the fact that things will never be the same and that person will forever leave a space inside of you that no one else can fill. Many times have I asked the question of “why do we have to get to know someone and later on be close to them, when later on they will be leaving us or the other way around, us leaving them? It has always been hard for me to adjust to changes. It almost came to the point wherein I have prevented myself to getting close to someone for the fear of being left again and being hurt. But then again I realized that I am not allowing myself the opportunity to get to know other people and establish relationships that I could keep. And that it wouldn’t do me any good. Before I would often think that it was always the one who is left behind who would have a hard time adjusting to the situation. Until recently, I have realized that leaving someone can also be as painful as being left by someone. That realization came when I left the company I was working for the past one and a half year. With the time I have spent with the company, I was able to establish a personal relationship with the people from my team and with the people that I got to work with. Work became easier because I had people that I was able to go to the gym with, play badminton, have lunch or dinner and oftentimes than not, spend our Friday nights out. This became a routine for me for more than a year and I have already gotten used to it. Making a decision to leave the company and pursue my dream of obtaining a masteral degree became a hard task. Why would you ask? Because I find it hard to leave the people that I have learned to love. I know that when I leave, things will never be the same and that things will be different even though we don’t want them to be. It is always hard to let go of the things that you have gotten used to. But I know that things happen for a reason. That the time I had with the people I have learned to love is not wasted. Just like what a friend of mine told me, life is a journey and that people we get to know along the way are the ones who make the journey easier.

steps

I was talking to my best friend a while ago, and a thought came to my mind. During our conversation, she was asking me how come we always have a hard time getting what we want and we can’t seem to have everything that we yearn for. I was thinking really hard for way to explain it to her, till I was able to think of an analogy. What I told her was that life is like a ladder. Our goals and dreams are like things that we have put placed in the attic or somewhere than can only be reached by a ladder. And the only the only way for us to be able to reach our dreams would be to take each step in the ladder in our own time. Our dreams are not objects that we can reach by merely jumping once. It is something that we have to work hard for each step at a time.

im back!

its been a while since i last had an entry here in my blog, its about time that i start writing again. i did miss posting my entries here and being able to read the comments of my friends. i hope that magtuloy tuloy na ito! salamat sa encouragement trina!

7 things

what are things you enjoy doing even when there's no one around you?
i talk to my self, read books, watch tv... reminisce about sentimental stuffs, watch movies that will surely make me cry, write in my journal, think deep thoughts

what lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level?
eating good food, watch movies, read books, talking to friends, creating accessories, yosi break, shopping

7 things that scare you.loosing the people that I love
death
rats
being alone
rejection
failure
not being happy

7 things you like the most.good food
the beach/water
quality time with friends
my family
my loving barkada
teddy bears
music

7 important things in your bedroom.closet
tv
radio
pillows
blanket
books
my kikay stuff

7 random facts about you.im not a risk taker
I have a chipped front tooth cuz I tripped over a chair when I was a kid
I love to eat
I like to sleep
I hate guys na mayabang
I love my family more than anything in the world
I love my brother so much

7 things you plan to do before you die.go to Greece
make sure to visit all the fantastic places here sa Pinas
learn scuba diving
go skinny dippin
join a traithlon
tell the special pips na I love them so much
organize a special gathering for the abandoned babies

7 things you can do.
sing
drink tequila and not get drunk! Hehe as if
stay awake for 30 hrs straight
cook?
Talk on the phone for the longest time possible
Sleep for more than 10 hours
Swim

7 things you can't do.wash my laundry ( allergic to detergent soap)
tell someone that I like him
steal someone’s bf
exchange my family for someone
be way from my family for a long time

7 things that attract you to the opposite sex.eyes
intelligence
maasikaso
mabango
daliri! (haha)
someone that I can talk about almost everything
good conversationalist

7 things you say the most.charos
di nga?
Tangerks
Shonga
Hay naku?
Ur so mean?
Ah ewan

7 celeb crushes.heath ledger
eric bana
orlando bloom
rob thomas
mark abaya
brad pitt
angelina jolie

7 people that you want to take this quiz.tweena
johnny
iking
gain
kat
kelo
lonie