unsaid

today i was beginning to get pissed...i wanted this day to start right...i wanted us to be okay...and so i convinced myself not to be a bratt and be the bigger person by initiating the conversation... today was the shoot for your team. i wanted it to be a chance for us to talk casually..but then again the day didnt start right..when i was looking for randy inside the stockroom, i felt that you didnt want me to be there...i didnt even feel the warmth in your voice..it's as if you didnt want me to be there...it was a disappointment..cuz i wanted to make our friendship work...i still wanted us to be friends but you were making it too hard for me..you even passed beside me without even saying a mere hello...it wouldnt hurt to say hi right, but then again you didnt...that ticked me off, because i do not understand why you had to do that...we werent like that before..we used to enjoy each other's company a lot...like what i mentioned in my previous blog, a lot of things have changed...and you are making it hard for me to adjust to these changes...

good thing that the situation changed as the day went on...we both began to loosen up and tried to establish quick conversations..maybe it was a good thing that i was the stylist during that time and i had the chance to interact with you more...you asked for my help in fixing your tie....though you didnt ask me directly, i was very much willing to help.. you were a bit awkward which i didnt completely understand.. i wanted to talk to you...i had so much to say, so much to talk to you about a lot of things..some worth discussing about,some are nonsense but i still wanted to share with you anyways...but you were acting strange..which i didnt completely understand..but yes i was willing to let go...i noticed that you were uneasy while we were taking your pictures..its as if you didnt want me to be there.. i helped fix your suit..your hair and even your tie...i guess it helped because you began to loosen up...later on you were asking for my opinion on which looked fit you..if i did like that angle for you...somehow you asking that made me feel better...you know why? it was because i felt that you valued my opinion..its as if my thoughts mattered to you...and i thank you for that..because for a moment in time, i felt that i was valuable to you..even for just that moment... after you shoot, we became more relax. we took pictures together, we started to joke around and somehow we were starting to enjoy each other's company again...you took some of my pics, you allowed me to play with your lashes, and you even kidded around with me...but then again there was one incident that bothered me a lot.. i was telling you that i will be giving you a copy of the Train album and i saw you look at the surroundings while you were talking to me...it was as if you were trying to look for their reactions to our conversations..it bothered me a lot because i felt that you were bothered with what the other people might think... we were not doing anything bad...we werent discussing something that might even offend or bother someone...the look in your face was stuck in my head...i wanted to ask you why you were reacting that way but i never had the guts to ask that...i just let it be...

this would be the things that would remain unsaid, for i would never have the courage to ask you these things..this blog will serve as my journal...my way of letting my emotions out...because for now that is all that i can do...

are we fighting?

don't know how it started but now we are not talking to each other...what started out as a petty tampuhan has now grown into a full blown fight...we used to greet each other and say hello...but now we can even look at each other eye to eye....im not sure if it was my fault...did i become too demanding...did i expect too much...im sorry for having to look at you that way...i didnt mean to...i just miss you...i miss talking to you...i miss laughing with you..i just miss spending time with you...

should i make the first move...should i say sorry...i dont know what to think anymore...it seems that everything has changed...you changed...is there someone new? it makes me sad that things have to change....i have gotten used to us being together...but these are the things that are beyond my control...and i guess i only have to accept the fact that we had our good times and that was it...i just wish it could have lasted forever...

not my usual self....

likewhat i said in my previous entry, a lot of things have changed lately...some of these changes i welcome with open arms..some of which i dont....i know at the back of my mind that i cant control the things that are happening but i guess what i can do is to embrace this changes and try to learn something from it... i can honestly say that i am not an expert in doing this, but i know that i am learning.. it's hard but i know that the things that are happening will somehow help me to become one tough cookie in facing the trials of life...

admiring and liking someone does not only bring you happiness but also disappointments...you would notice it but soon you would be doing things that you wouldnt normally do..and feel emotions that you dont usually feel.. the reason why i sad that is because i did feel the same way a few days back...i never thought that i would get that emotional with someone considering that we are just friends..i know that i am not in the position to feel that way but i had to be honest with myself... certain situations have led me to become disappointed with his actions..i hate this feeling, i really do...but unfortunately this is an emotion that i can not control...

i wish things will go back to the way they used to be...with no complications no difficulty...i just wish....

mixed signals

we have been friends for a long time...never did it cross my mind that it will come to this... i didnt have a clue that i would have this kind of feeling for you.. it all came as a surprise.. before we used to be just officemates...we used to just see each other during training and other company related activities...our conversations were nothing more than jokes or work related matters...but things started to change when a good friend of mine left... you saw me crying and you asked if i was okay.. it never occured to me that it would change our friendship...

we started out by having coffee during breaks...then came in invites for dinners... or cakes....i never thought that our small conversations will bring much interest to me over the next few months... i enjoyed our simple conversations..somehow you made me feel that you were really interested in what i had to say.. somehow i enjoy spending time with you.. you never failed to make me laugh with your jokes and your stories... i like being with you... the never ending conversations about everything, the meaningless IMs we have that makes me laugh out loud...little did i know that these would all make me fall for you...

bit by bit, i knew that things were beginning to change.. somehow i wanted to spend more time with you... somehow i wanted to talk with you even more....these past few months have been a roller coaster...high points and low points.....everything was a surprise...it's like every day or every week i didnt know what to expect from you...

now im confused...im not sure if i should put meaning to everything that is happening or i should take it all in stride...my head says no but my heart says go...sounds cheesy i know... but im scared...im scared to know that this is all just fun for you and that you will go away... and just like that things will change...

i hope that this time its different...because i like being with you....